Oh, Poop.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Of course, it always seems like a good idea to fill a diaper with chocolate and put it in the microwave.

Pronto – out comes a little poop. Whoever loses the game of hot-potato at the baby shower has to eat the poop.

Brilliant!

Only… no one told me diapers were flammable.

I was minding my own business when the flames began to shoot out of my microwave.

I stood there in shock, recalling all the advice I’d heard about fires:

Stop. Drop. Roll.

No, that couldn’t be right.

Use fire extinguishers. They save lives.

Oh no! I didn’t have one. People were going to die!

Breathe in, breathe out, I told myself. Breathe in, breathe out.

I sounded like a discouraged woman on the labor-and-delivery unit.

That was it! Breathe really, really, hard -- and maybe the fire would go out.

I pictured my 70^th birthday cake with candles glowing. I blew!

How do you spell “smoke-inhalation”?

I wish I was making this up.

This actually happened last Tuesday night. 30 minutes before a crowd of eight women invaded my smoke-filled living room for a baby shower, I blew on a charcoaled diaper in my microwave.

Amazingly, it worked.

The fire alarm stopped beeping just before my friends arrived. But the smoke lingered. 

My friends had questions.

“Should we call the fire department?”

“Why is there a thick cloud of black smoke in here? Did the Israelites stop by?”

“Are you OK? You sound like a 70-year-old smoker.”

There is no graceful way to explain that you just set a chocolate-filled diaper on fire in your microwave.

To quote one of my friends, “B.J. -- that was a really poopy idea.”

Which got me thinking. How many times do we as writers come up with poopy ideas?

We’re convinced that our idea is going to sell. And no matter how many industry professionals tell us it won’t work, we keep trying to push the same poopy idea.

I see people at writer’s conferences do this. They take the same book proposal to every conference. They refuse to improve the proposal. They refuse to do anything to the proposal.

Meanwhile they linger beside the poop, watch it go up in flames, and cry, breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. This book is a masterpiece and some day everyone’s going to realize it!

Unfortunately, because poop-lovers are unwilling to let go of the poop, their whole careers go up in flames. Who knows? The next book they write could be a masterpiece.

But first, they need to stop, drop and roll.

I mean first, they need to use a fire extinguisher.

I mean first, they need to… well, what do you do with a fire?

Put out the flames. Clean up the mess. Start over.

Man, I hope this column hasn’t made me sound like a party-pooper.

****

B.J. Hamrick is a journalism student at ---------- ------------ College, a fact which most of her professors are reluctant to admit. She has been published over 50 times in various books, magazines, and newspapers. In her spare time she harasses local members of the fire department. She can be reached through her website.

 

Comments

[deborah gyapong]

Hilarious!

But I don't know if poop is one of the allowed words on this website. I'll have to consult our list of taboos.

With Donna's famous burnt popcorn in the microwave story, we have the start of a Chicken Soup for the Souls of Microwave users. Anyone else with a gripping microwave story with an important lesson for our devotional or writing lives?

Heh heh heh.

Deb

[Madison RIchards]

BJ, you're hilarious! It's always so refreshing to hear your perspectives. I love your take on life (and microwaves). Bravo!

[christa]

Perfect timing. I'm having a baby shower next weekend, and one of my daughter's friends just a few days ago told her this great idea about melting chocolate in diapers...never thought about sticking my manuscript pages in there...

[spaghettipie]

BJ - You totally crack me up. And who else could turn a story about poop (or fake, burned up poop, as it was) into a lesson about writing? I also think you broke the TMA record for the most number of times the word "poop" has been used in a single post. . . .

[Dee Stewart]

Brilliant, BJ. And let me add that hiring a publicist to promote poop doesn't work either. I get alot of that.

Thank goodness you didn't hurt yourself. How was the party?

[Mary E. DeMuth]

This is tragically (for the hershey bar) funny! I was about to do this for my breakfast. Thanks for giving me the 411 on microwaves and diapers and chocolate!

And yes, I see what you've talked about here. People lugging their tired, unchanged manuscripts and proposals to conference after conference.

I've abandoned two manuscripts which is VERY unlike type A me. I'm a finisher. But they weren't working so I stopped.

[Ron Benson]

B.J. -- Funny stuff here, but I must be out of the loop on baby showers. The picture of the loser eating...

I'm very afraid.

[michael snyder]

Man, that was funny.

[michael snyder]

Man, that was funny.

[michael snyder]

Man, that was funny.

[michael snyder]

Man, that was funny.

[Christopher Fisher]

All these years I've been using baby showers as an excuse to take the fathter-to-be out for a beer. Had no idea what I was missing back home with the ladies.

[Heather Goodman]

Read this yesterday, forgot to comment, but today I'm still chuckling over it.
You are one funny girl.

[BJ Hamrick]

Deb, I haven't heard Donna's famous burnt popcorn story! How could I have roomed next to her at Mt Hermon and missed that? And as far as devotionals about burnt food items, the Newlywed Speaks: I could write the whole book! :D

Thanks, Madison! I thought about not telling anyone this happened, but I figured with all the fire trucks and gossipy friends that idea was pointless.

Christa, I speak from experience: this game is life-changing. Try to push through your feelings and give it a chance! ;-) Only... don't burn the manuscript, K?

Well, Tina, I had a word other than "poop" in mind but I thought better of it. Hey, it's a good thing you sent me that cookbook because it has recipes for the STOVE and not the MICROWAVE. You probably just saved lives!

Dee, I've never heard so much laughter at a party. Unfortunately it was all about me, and not the mom-to-be. I need to throw her another party!

Mary, I'm glad I could save you from the whole flammable-diaper experience. I'm pretty sure my sister needed to be wearing a diaper when I told her what happened. Also, I'm glad you know what I'm talking about with the unchanged-proposal thing. On a deeper level... why do you think some of us have a hard time letting go of a "good" (but not so good) manuscript idea?

Ron, you should be afraid. Very afraid.

Michael, I would erase all those comments but it looks really good when people scroll down and think I actually got that many. Woohoo! I'm popular. (And by the way: if I made you laugh, I think I should get some Jeanne points.)

Christopher, you had no idea of the real reason we kick you guys out of the house.

Heather, I'm still chuckling too... in that "everyone's laughing at me because I'm a dork" sort of way. ;-) Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

[Jeanne Damoff]

Ha! Awesome. 75 points for "stop, drop, and roll." I'm surprised you didn't also rattle off your name, address, and phone number.

I wonder if Mike thought this was funny?

[Heather Cox]

I'm totally cracking up...but seriously, the application to writing is worth hearing too. Thanks for sharing the poop story~

[TJ Wilson]

Hilarious. Thanks for the reminder not to take ourselves too seriously.
Though I'm a little alarmed that this poopy diaper thing at showers might be becoming a trend...