Time to edit my life before it's too crazy late

God is calling me to edit my life, which is actually something I'm embracing this time around. Why? Because I'm tired. So deeply tired.

How did I get here?

First, I'll say that my normal speed is frenetic. I'm a high output person, so doing many things at once and in succession is the way I do things. Problem is, I'm not twenty-five anymore. I can't do everything at the same warp speed without it messing with my health, both emotionally and physically.

Second, I let fear rule me. I became so afraid of not making enough monthly income that I felt I always had to say yes to everything. I can't do that anymore. Besides, God whispered this to me at the She Speaks conference this weekend: "Mary, are you your provider or am I?"

Third, entropy seeped in. I'd say yes to one thing, then another, then another, only to realize I'd yessed myself to frenetic frenzy. Oh how important I felt saying yes. Oh how needed! But oh how burned out I'm becoming.

I'm sure there are more reasons. Deep ones. Clingy ones. Embarrassing ones. But simply knowing the reasons doesn't cure the issue: I'm too busy.

I don't have the emotional space to deeply connect with folks. I can't concentrate on the person God puts in front of me. I feel distracted and edgy all the time. I'm frenzied. And deeply, deeply tired.

So, it's time to edit.

What does that mean?

I don't quite know. But I sense many, many things need to be let go.

Naturally, in the course of life, one thing will change. My agent called me the last day of vacation to tell me she's moving on. So I'll be finding a new agent, by God's grace, timing and help. It's interesting to me because I sense a shift on the horizon, something different. How perfect of God to usher out one agent and invite another, right at this critical juncture.

I will need to say no to some great things in lieu of saying yes to the best (my family, my creative work).

Here's the thing: I want to smile and sing again. To be outside. To engage. To shed my worry. I can't do that with a cluttered life. I wrote recently that I'm wearing far too many hats, and wearing that many will lead to me contracting "task lice."

So would you pray with me? For me? Alongside me?

Dear Lord, help me to erase what needs to be erased, say no to those things You are closing before me, embrace the people You've placed in my life, and serve You in a manner that doesn't burn me out. You edit my life, Lord. Add some periods. Take out some exhausting sentences. Rewrite my story with energy, vigor and truth. Streamline me for Your glory. I want my "the end" to be a mark of finishing well, not limping to the finish. I love You Jesus. So much. Forgive me for doing so much in my paltry strength. For saying yes when You wanted me to say No. For fearing over trusting. Make me over, Lord. Renew me. Refresh me. Not so I can wallow in that refreshment, but so that You through me can be a refreshment for others. Amen.

Comments

[Angella]

This really spoke to my heart, and your prayer was much appreciated. Thank you for being so open.

~Angella, another high-output yesser!

[Kelly]

Oh, Mary, I love it!! I can so relate. I will pray for you.

[Tom Davis]

Praying for you Mary. I feel EXACTLY the same way in so many areas.

[Edwina Cowgill]

Mary,
You have been spying on me!! Seriously, I am in the same place you find yourself. So, I have taken a leave of absence from all of my volunteer work at my church (and it was quite a lot of work). I still work at a 40-hour/week job - my family likes to eat - so I must work. But I am determined to take time for myself. Time to pray, journal, listen, to spend in solitude with just me and God. I am also going to spend quality time with my husband. And, I'm going to concentrate on improving my physical being - with God's help.

Thank you for putting into words what so many of us are experiencing.

Be blessed!
Edwina Cowgill

[Jeanne Damoff]

I thought of you and your life-editing project when I read this in Oswald Chambers today: "The main thing about Christianity is not the work we do but the relationship we maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is being continually assailed."

I understand your dilemma, Mary. I often have to remind myself that I'm not indispensable to God or anyone else. God has graciously grafted me into His vine and allows me to participate in His purposes by bearing fruit, but He doesn't NEED me to accomplish His plans. I also have to remind myself that my first calling is to praise, honor, and glorify God (and enjoy Him forever). Any work I accomplish should flow from an overwhelming sense of His worthiness and not any "deep, clingy, or embarrassing" reasons borne of my insecurity or craving for self-worth.

I remind myself of these things, but I still fail often to walk in them. I pray God grants you (and me) the grace to enter His presence with thanksgiving and praise, to leave ourselves severely alone and gaze upon His beauty until the prospect of being a doorkeeper in His house far outshines any degree of professional success or any amount of praise or honor we might receive from men. And I pray the atmosphere produced in our lives as a result will advance the kingdom of God in ways that abundantly exceed all we ask or think (according to the power at work in us--not the power of our works).

Good works are good. But one thing is needful.

Grace and peace, dear Mary.
Love, Jeanne

[Rachel Olsen]

Absolutely I will pray with, for and alongside you. I pray the Spirit takes His heavenly comb and tenderly removes the snarled tangles of busyness, worry and fear. I pray every nit of "task lice" is stripped away, leaving your silky hair to blow freely in the breeze of His will and His provision for your life.

I also pray for God to lead you to the just right new agent.

Glad to have had a few punchy, giddy, late-night minutes to laugh and talk with you on Saturday evening. ~ Rachel

[Karen Rabbitt]

Father,
Thank you for limits. Limits of energy, time, and output. Thanks for Mary's example of learning limits.
You know the deep issues in our hearts that drive us to take on too much. Expose those deep fears, please, and cleanse our hearts.
We want so much to rest in your arms as we do only the work you've called us to.

[Mary DeMuth]

What a blessing all your comments have been. Thanks so much. We're on this journey together, apparently.

[Deb]

I hear your heart. A few years ago I went through something very similar. The Lord called me to a commitment fast. For several months I kept existing commitments, but didn't say yes to one new thing. Not coffee with a friend, something on the horizon, or anything someone just "needed" me to do. God used that time to re-set my internal clock. Then He led me on a slow journey to His path for me. It took a while, but boy was it worth it. It changed my thinking and relating patterns, brought me closer to Him and to His precious children, and filled me (eventually) with such peace. I will pray for you during this time.

[Madison Richards]

Mary,

Bless you. You can do this. You can do it. You can...

Grace and Love,
Madison

[dee]

I wrote about your entry today. You are a mirror to so many writers. Bless you, doll!

http://christianfiction.blogspot.com/2009/08/prayer-for-wearied-masters-writer.html

[Grace Fox]

Thanks for your transparency, Mary. I can so relate. As a writer/speaker, I, too, feel driven to be "successful." As a missionary living on faith support, I often struggle with the fear of financial insecurity. As a wife, mother, and grandmother, I'm pulled to spend quality time with family. And as a follower of Jesus, I yearn to know what it truly means to simply abide in the Vine. You're not alone.

May your obedience to His call grant rest to your weary spirit.
You are loved,
Grace Fox
Writer/speaker/national co-director of International Messengers Canada

[Jeanette]

Thank you for sharing this Mary! I will definitely pray for you. God has been tugging at me lately too, revealing painful answers to why my mind always feels so cluttered and fragmented. So I will be praying with understanding and empathy.

What a precious sister you are!

Love, Jeanette