the tree is known

this one

this one brings with it emotion difficult to name

it was a prayer of new things and old things. the background is sermon notes from a pastor who tried to damage my soul, but God redeemed.  the pastor believed there was no place for art. told me i shouldn't be writing, i should be taking care of my home (with mouth shut, feet bare, baking cinnamon rolls.)

ok. so the cinnamon roll comment came from one of the deacons. the whole leadership team had assembled to cast their stones at me. in prayer, God whispered Exodus 14:14 to me. 

they said i was too zealous and talked too much. i was an unbiblical wife and heretical teacher and there was no place for me to serve within their church.

and i was silent.

that same night, i awaited a call from my doctor, he thought i might have breast cancer.

that same weekend, my uncle hung himself in his garage and left a note for his mother, my grandmother, that would give her hope of reconcilliation. they lived together and hadn't spoke for months, not a single word. uncle ed left grandma a note to bring him some fresh coffee to the garage when she woke in the morning. she was elated that he'd talked to her, even in a note. but when she took his coffee to the garage, she found him hanging.

months before that, my uncle ed had attempted suicide, failed, and landed in intensive care. when he woke, my pastor was there. my uncle accepted Christ on 5-5-05.  he died nine months later.

my family wanted my pastor to minister to them the morning of my uncle's death. after he'd held his witch hunt and hung me, metaphorically speaking, two night prior. i called him, told him i did not want him in my presence but i would sacrifice my wants for the good of my family. he came that morning. he officiated the funeral two days later. his young daughter spoke horrible words to us at the luncheon that followed. i asked them all to leave.

his leadership team called me a month or so later asking if i'd stand up in front of the entire congregation with my story of their pastor's wrongdoing. i told them i didn't want any part of bringing down a pastor, God was perfectly capable and didn't need me.

a month or so later, his leadership team called to ask if i would come teach the leadership team how to lead. uhm. No.

the conflict God used to rip us from that church, in part, led to the visual prayer i rely upon today.

on a mission to make something beautiful from the ugliness of time spent there, i glued down the pages of my notebook, pages full of sermon notes from a pastor who would attempt to shut down my spirit. 

i painted a tree, because that's what i do.

i messed up a branch and tried to paint yellow ochre over the top of it, but that didn't work.

i thought maybe i should glue a bible verse over the mistake. but which one?

the only one on the page that was showing through was Matthew 12:33. i had to look it up.

again God silenced me.

Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit.

and i understood the pruning of my life from the corrupt tree and the grafting of my branch into His vine. painful, yes. but life-giving.

 

* * *

michelle pendergrass and her family are being pruned again and maybe needed the reminder that God will answer before we call and while we are still speaking, he hears.

 

Comments

[Melanie]

oh michelle... wow... thinking of you...

[Jeanne Damoff]

Dear Michelle. So much brokenness all at once. And yet here is this beauty and truth -- redemption germinating and breaking forth into the light. He prunes for our good, that there may be more fruit. Always.

Praying for you. Much love.

[Michelle Pendergrass]

(((hugs))) thank you Mel and Jeanne.

[Sarah]

"Church" can be so painful and confusing. But the Body of Christ is beautiful and light giving. My prayer for you (and for myself) is that you will be surrounded by the latter to build you up. Peace, Sister.