(Mike here...my new cyber pal K.M. Welland was kind enough to offer this fun batch o' wisdom to our Master's Artist cause. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did. Thanks again, K.M.!)
I suppose it’s possible that a few starry-eyed folks out there have yet to be awakened from the happy notion that writerdom is only a step down on the glam scale from actordom or pop-singerdom. So for the sake of any of you who are still nursing dreams of dashing off a few thousand words and promptly retiring to the easy life of contemplative bliss, double lattes, and large paychecks, I suppose it’s really only the least I can do to point a few of the hard, but all too true, reasons why you should seriously consider abandoning these crazy ambitions to become a writer:
Reason #1: Your social life will devolve into a series of mostly imaginary friends. This is a problem because you often tend to like the imaginary friends better than the real ones.
Reason #2: You will acquire a disturbing tendency of participating in in-depth conversations with yourself. This can progress to the point where you are not only answering your own questions, but also engaging in very loud arguments and, subsequently, sulking when you lose.
Reason #3: Even the most happy-minded among you will develop severe mood swings. Tremendous joy, based on the belief that the scene you just sent your editor was possibly the best ever written, will shatter into wailing despair when said editor emails said scene back to you in a bloodbath of red ink.
Reason #4: Out of control vocabulary growth is quite common. It’s very frustrating when no one understands what you’re talking about, even when you make a conscious effort to use words under seven syllables.
Reason #5: Symptoms of Space Cadet Syndrome usually manifest themselves rapidly. Watch out for glazed eyes, drooling, and involuntary twitching. A sad corollary of this condition is that it often devolves to a point where you can no longer marshal any significant amount of brain power without succumbing to these symptoms.
Reason #6: Normal, healthy forms of entertainment (such as movie watching and reading) become increasingly difficult due to the onset of hyper-criticalness. Be warned that you will likely have difficulties finding viewing and reading partners.
Reason #7: Social misunderstanding/rejection will become a sad part of life. Random comments from you will lead to social stigma, slightly freaked-out expressions from listeners, and possibly even notification of local authorities. E.g. “I’m having a hard time deciding whether I should just shoot Bob—or push him off the Empire State Building. What do you think?”
Reason #8: Professionalism becomes a slowly fading ideal. Industrious and conscientious though you may be, the pride you once took in donning blazer and tie for work will eventually degenerate into working apparel as inappropriate as pajamas and fuzzy slippers.
Reason #9: Balanced diets and regular meals will slip off the schedule. You will survive almost completely on a shocking diet of chocolate and some form of liquid caffeine.
Reason #10: Physical injuries will mount rapidly. Prepare yourself. Sore backsides, squinty eyes, writer’s bump, desk-jockey slouch, and¬ paper cuts are going to become daily hazards.
Reason #11: The concept of time will become a slippery thing. Writers have been found, slumped at their computers, eyes dilated, typing manically, for hours (in a few rare cases, even days) at a time. This condition often goes hand in hand with Space Cadet Syndrome mentioned in Reason #5.
Reason #12: Reality is another concept that too often becomes warped. Instead of calling things by their appropriate names and taking responsibility for your actions or lack thereof, you will attempt to force your own warped view onto others: reading and staring into space become “work,” a misplaced comma pointed out by a zealous editor becomes a “tragedy,” and surfing the Internet for hours on end becomes “research.”
Reason #13: Socially unacceptable behavior, such as eavesdropping, will become a common trait. When upbraided for such actions or pressed to stop, you will become unreasonable and even threaten to give your accuser the role of evil Al-Qaeda interrogator in your latest novel.
Reason #14: Morbidity, an obsession with conflict, and a sadistic enjoyment of inflicting pain on the creations of your mind (usually villains, and not infrequently of the Al-Qaeda interrogator type—see above) will surface at an alarming rate. This can escalate to such disturbing levels as finding “inspiration” in the obituary section of the newspaper.
Reason #15: Perhaps most disconcerting of all is the gradual progression of an irreversible addiction. Fulfillment in life becomes anchored in writing, to the point where you purposely engage in activities for the sole reason of later being able to write about them. Please, I beg you, don’t be fooled by the disclaimer that this fulfillment only heightens enjoyment of life by bringing an appreciation for the smallest of details and the grander shape of the galaxy.
I hope and pray that what you’ve read here will be enough to scare you off from the travails of life as a writer. But having now fulfilled my duty, I’ll have to ask you to excuse me. I’m out of chocolate and I can’t find my fuzzy slippers.
***
K.M. Weiland writes historical and speculative fiction from her home in western Nebraska. She authors the weekly blog "Wordplay: The Writing Life of K.M. Weiland" (http://wordplay-kmweiland.blogspot.com) which features tips and essays about the writing life. You can also visit her on the web at www.kmweiland.com.
Very good.
Of course, there is also the loss of speech. Just ask your loved ones who, upon daring to approach you in your "writer's cave" are warded off by a frenzied air claw and growling. Is it your fault that they don't understand the "leave me alone, I'm writing" roar? Or the subsequent "darn, you made me lose my train of thought" bellowing aurgh? Mmmph.
Posted by: JC | May 27, 2009 at 08:23 PM
LOL, Tarin. The other day a friend and I were sitting at a table in a restaraunt talking about two of our characters and how we could bump them off. We both realized at the same time that we were talking about them using their names. ie. "I've been trying to figure out if I should kill Bob or not. If I do, I think I might have Lucy stab him with...." Luckily when we guiltily glanced around no one seemed to be paying us much mind.
Posted by: Lynnette Bonner | May 27, 2009 at 09:46 PM
Some day, someone will invent fuzzy slippers with an attached intravenous pump that alternates between doses of caffeine and lithium. Now THERE'S a Christmas gift for the writer in your life!
Posted by: Madison Richards | May 28, 2009 at 12:42 AM
A positive twist on #15: The most annoying person becomes fascinating when you switch gears and observe him for potential character traits. Likewise, aggravating experiences become potential story fodder. Everyday hassles are a writer's laboratory, turning all of life into a grand adventure. The more I think about it, the more I believe we are of all men most to be envied! (Can you tell I'm a sanguine personality? All my imaginary friends tell me I'm the life of the party.)
Unfortunately most of the folks around here are way beyond reach of an intervention. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy your entertaining insights! Thanks for dropping by, K.M. :)
Jeanne
Posted by: Jeanne Damoff | May 28, 2009 at 06:32 AM
Love it! Thanks so much for sharing your wit with us. :)
Posted by: BJ Hamrick | May 28, 2009 at 08:29 AM
Of course as I do not live alone...all fifteen of the above are constantly brought up as proof that I am not normal, and am in fact quite insane, and should live alone. Thanks for your post. It's nice to know I really am not alone, and not crazy. There are others who forget to eat, sleep, and remember what day of the week it is. I love your bit about long conversations with self. It reminds me of those paragraphs in Herbert's Dune pondering all the possible futures. I am Constantly waking up to "what if." The biggest question I always have though is how will I get paid for any of this (stomach growls). Thank you again for your Fifteen Reasons. Great!
Posted by: Ron Andrew ODaniels | May 28, 2009 at 09:04 AM
So THAT explains what's wrong with me!!!
Posted by: Liberty | May 28, 2009 at 09:20 AM
KM--I have to meet you. Perhaps we can schedule a play-date with our imaginary friends? Some, I think, need more social interaction.
Question--eavesdropping is socially unacceptable?
Posted by: Heather | May 28, 2009 at 09:50 AM
Darn, I was hoping your reasons would encourage me to give up my love of writing. Although you're right-on in all 15 reasons to give up writing, I've got writer's itch in my bloodstream and it's not going to be diluted easily.
It was fun to read and recognize the symptoms that go hand-in-hand with being in love with the written word and the crazy and wonderful things a string of them can accomplish.
Posted by: Shaddy | May 28, 2009 at 09:57 AM
Thanks for comments, everyone! I admit I got way too big a kick out of writing this. That's probably another symptom... you find your oddness extremely hilarious and wonder why other people don't!
Posted by: K.M. Weiland | May 28, 2009 at 01:54 PM
LOL! Katie, this was so fun! I'm so glad I got to read it. Since I write mainly non-fiction, my problem would be losing friends after saying for the bazillionth time while in a conversation, "Stop! Remember where you are. I HAVE to write this down!" Ugh!
Posted by: Lynn Mosher | May 28, 2009 at 02:06 PM
Still giggling.
I have to print this out for my husband. He thinks I'm the only one suffering from numbers 2, 3, 5, 7 and 12. Now I've got absolute proof that these are bona fide Author Syndrome symptoms!
Posted by: Linda (ppr) | May 28, 2009 at 02:11 PM
There's also the incessant staring at people in public places, imagining their life in your novel. That can get very messy when they notice you staring.
Also, there's the reality warp of calling your kids and neighbors by Characters' names. That can get pretty ugly when they read your book...
I've been looking for years for fuzzy slippers that sound like a monster roaring when you walk. They would add to my 'inspiration' - especially when writing about dinosaurs and Godzilla, or before I get my morning coffee...
Posted by: MisterChris | May 28, 2009 at 02:46 PM
I wrote something earlier in comment but where it went, I don't know. So I'll do it again.
Darn, I was hoping that after reading these 15 reasons I would give up the writing habit. Unfortunately, the bug that bit me and injected writers' itch into my system isn't easily conteracted.
These 15 reasons are right-on. Although a novice writer, I suffer from many of those symptoms. Even if writing kills me, at least I'll die doing something that, in a strange way, brings me happiness.
Thank you, Katie.
Posted by: Shaddy | May 28, 2009 at 05:23 PM
#6-- I can't even read a book without underlining passages or checking for errors!!! Ugh! that one was the worse!
Posted by: terri tiffany | May 30, 2009 at 01:23 PM
Nice job, Kate. Wow. So utterly true.
Posted by: Maggie Woychik | June 01, 2009 at 03:51 PM
I'll have a smile the rest of the day, Thanks Katie.
Posted by: Walk | June 03, 2009 at 05:41 AM
Yeah, you are right! But as every single thing in the world comes in pairs ( I hope you got what I meant lol) like left and right, good and bad, boy and girl ..etc so I'm sure there are Top 15 reasons why you should be a writer as well! in the end ..of course we've got to choose..To be or not to be a writer. I know your choice Katie!:D I love your blog..it just I kinda late to find you here hehehehe
Posted by: Rima | June 13, 2009 at 01:30 AM
Oh, this is so perfect...This is so great! I love it. And must share it with friends!
Posted by: Galadriel | August 01, 2010 at 04:13 PM
It's too late for me; I'm hip deep in half of those symptoms and fully submerged in the other half.
Posted by: Nadine Liamson | August 05, 2010 at 03:17 PM
So if I have most or all of these symptoms already, does that mean I *should* become a writer?
Posted by: Tabitha Richert | August 19, 2010 at 11:56 AM