The Mark

Lord, as I write this I pray Your words would settle into me and leap onto the page. Heal folks. Expose evil. Help me share Your heart here. Amen.

For those of us who have survived sexual abuse, life twists and turns in alleys of confusion. Thank God He picks us up thousands of times, dusts us off, heals us, and enables us to continue walking. That's been my story. I was sexually abused by neighborhood boys throughout my kindergarten year. That was nearly forty years ago, but the mark they left on me, though faded, is still there.

Some would argue that once someone comes to Jesus, the mark is beautifully erased. Perhaps for some that is true. But I liken that hellish year to healing and scars. Yes, I've been healed. But the scars remain. I am marked.

I knew this growing up. Other predators had some sort of mark locating devise. They'd find me in horse stalls, in tree houses, on the playground, in homes. They'd try to take away what I already lost. Thank God I had legs that could run. With every advance, I'd take off running.

It baffled me, though, when the mark attracted men when I faced my dating years. And believe me, if anyone tried anything, I broke up or ran. I joked the other day with my kids that when my "boyfriends" tried to kiss me in my early dating years, I did two things: freaked out, then broke up.

Once I was married to the man of my dreams, the antithesis to the predators, I settled into a kind of comfortable safety. No one would see my mark now!

And for many years, that was true. As a stay at home mommy, I didn't see many men, didn't interact much, other than at church.

Enter the Christian writing world. And a little of my own naivety.

I wrote a post here dealing with boundaries in professional relationships, so I won't reiterate that in this piece. But what I will say is this: the mark re-emerged. As if dormant from a long, happy sleep, it awoke with a vengeance. And predators once again saw it, noticed it, and sought to exploit it.

I write this today not to freak you all out, those of you who are entering into the business, but to issue a firm caution. Don't assume that since we're writing books for the Christian market that everyone in the market is trustworthy. Or the best thing for you. And particularly if you're a woman wearing this mark, be ultra-cautious of men, particularly those in authority. Don't seek publication so much that you turn off your creep-factor measuring device. Keep it on. If you're married, be sure you meet those industry professionals (if at all possible) with your husband in tow. And don't let the secret part of your heart thrill at an industry professional's praise, particularly if it comes off with a hint of sexual innuendo.

In retrospect, I realize six things:

• The mark, faded as it is, can inflame when I'm not building into my own marriage and family or I'm not seeking God. And when I let my neediness for attention trump everything else. Truth? I like attention. I like feeling like I'm pretty. But if I seek after that, rather than seek God's heart, I become vulnerable to predators again.
• I wish someone would have told me all this way back when. So I'm telling you. If you have a mark or are prone to be preyed upon, take note. Watch your male/female relationships more closely. Don't let your ambition taint your predator radar. And yet don't merely be cautious about opposite sex relationships. I also found myself vulnerable to other women who were predatory (not sexually, but in other soul-demeaning ways. Predators come in every shape and size and sex.)
• Prayer cannot be discounted. Your ability to notice predatory tendencies in someone has everything to do with discernment. And seeking to be very close to God in prayer will keep your discernment on high alert. It's when you allow the fluff of fame to infiltrate your head that you let down boundaries.
• It is entirely possible to have great relationships with people in this industry. I cherish my friendships, both male and female. Of course, not everyone is a predator. And many folks are dear, dear Jesus-loving writers, publishers, editors, and agents. Don't let your mark or fear prevent you from these relationships.
• Nurture yourself. Realize your weak spots. Build into your soul.
• Seek accountability. I have a small group of dear friends who know my journey through predators. And they pray for me, and ask me good questions, and pray some more. 

Someday, when the New Earth dawns, I'll be free of this mark forever. And Jesus will use every trauma to beautify me--not with the earthly type of beauty I sometimes long to praised for here on earth, but an ethereal, eternal beauty. I pray the Lord would truly, deeply use my own markedness to change the landscape of the Kingdom of God. In this way, I can revel in the mark, be openly cautious about the vulnerabilty the mark creates, and thank God for His protection and provision along the journey.

Comments

[Kristin Billerbeck]

Mary, you are truly beautiful. Inside and out. I'm so sorry that you were refined this way, but when you expose Satan, God uses the experience, so bravo!! Great post!!!

[Janice Green]

Awesome wisdom here. Thanks for bearing your soul to the world once again.

[Cara Putman]

Mary, thank you for being vulnerable and honest. Your caution is well-taken. Praying God will continue to give you wisdom and courage to share as He calls you to. Love you!

[dhgyapong]

Some of us have been marked for predation by men and it is not necessarily sexual abuse that makes the mark--it could be any kind of hunger to be the center of attention, to be worshiped, to be needed.

But your post got me thinking about other kinds of marks. Instead of a mark that attracts predators, their mark is one that repels people, or draws up criticism and irritability or impatience because their deepest fear is abandonment.

I expand on this over at my blog: http://deborahgyapong.blogspot.com/2009/06/mary-demuth-and-mark-that-attracts.html

You are in my prayers, Mary, and I am so proud of you and what God is doing in your life.

Deb

[Jeanne Damoff]

Wise words, Mary. Thanks for sharing your hard-earned insights.

How kind of the Lord to show you that neediness for attention inflames "the mark." May He fill you with assurance of your complete acceptance in Him, and may you daily hear His voice saying, "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you."

Love, Jeanne

[Carol Bruce Collett]

Thank you for sharing yourself. You are a blessing.

[Julie Bonn Heath]

This makes me so sad, Mary. You have made so many strides and I am so sorry that you experienced a pause here. But your words are valuable, and it is an important lesson for all of us. Thank the Lord that you have recognized it for what it is and are taking precautions to insure that you are safe, in all ways.

I would like to note that I agree with what Deb said. It can be a hunger on our side for other needs and I suspect that many of us are vulnerable-whether we have been "marked" or not. Or perhaps it is more that we have all been "marked" in some way.

Thanks for sharing and for the Facebook note.
Julie Bonn Heath

[Madison Richards]

Mary,

I know how difficult this must have been to share, on many levels, but I believe God honors our obedience and He pays for what He orders in the form of justice, blessing, and abundant grace.

Praying for you today.

Blessings,
Madison

[Audra]

Mary, I appreciate your vulnerability, honesty, and wisdom in this post. As one who bears the mark, I can relate to the radar some have as well as the struggle to keep my eyes on the Lord and hubby for attention, and not enjoy it from other sources.
Open communication with my hubby and time spent with the Lord is such an important factor in protecting myself.

Thanks for sharing something so personal, yet so important. There are many women out there who need this message.

[K.M. Weiland]

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. In this day and age of rabid, lightning-fast communication, it's way too easy to get so caught up in networking as hard and fast as you can, that you lose sight of safety. Thanks for the reminder.

[T Pinson]

Beautifully put. I know that mark well. It was tattooed in my mind and heart as a child at the hands of my grandfather. In a time when you didn't bring it up and when we did, we were called liars because 'He' was the patriarch of the family and a man of God.

It's amazing how many long years it took to actually get pass the 'freak out' stage as you put it. Which still rises from time to time a lot less frequent since I finally learned that God did want to use that mark against me.

I prayed hard for a man that wouldn't have Roman hands and Russian fingers. I've been married for almost thirty years to a kind wonderful man. Who was so patient he waited six months for a kiss on the lips. I remember trying to crawl out of my skin if someone hugged me too long, or even tried to put their arms around me.

I so understand the way it rises after years to remind me. And I must stay on my guard.
It amazes me how it shaped my parenting skills in regards to how I raised my boys, I pushed harder for them to be gentle, gentlemen, which is wonderful until you get someone who reads that in them and used it against them. Then I wonder if I didn't transfer a distortion of my mark somehow. (And of course as parents we do)

It also saddens me how I watch some men and can pretty much read the fact that they see that mark on me. I've stopped bible studies, left a church, and quick hanging out with certain "friends".

I don't dwell on the past and what happened, but I do recognize it when the mark rears it ugly head. I haven't gotten my books out there, in truth a part of me, a deep down seed of fear, nags me from time to time that if I do get there I could get hurt, and someone might find me out.

It's interesting how as a woman grown, one who's dealt with this issue and tried ot bury it, has this little girl that lost herself all those years ago, that still resides in a corner of my heart, ready to run or cower if the need arises.

Don't mean to ramble on here. Thanks you again for putting that into words so eloquently. Especially for all those woman (and men) who haven't confronted the mark.

[Sheila Deeth]

Oh wow. Thank you for this, especially #1

[Donna J. Shepherd]

Thank you for caring enough about other women (and men) who've been abused to make yourself so transparent and share your wise words.

[BJ Hamrick]

Thanks, Mary, for sharing from your heart.

[Mary DeMuth]

Thanks so much. I'm overwhelmed by all of your responses and kind words. I'm thankful this post was a blessing to many of you. And I pray it sheds light on an issue seldom talked about in Christian circles.

[Tonya]

Thanks for being willing to share something so painful and personal so that others can learn from you.

[Elaina]

Thanks for this post Mary and for being so open.

[Linda]

Mary, thank you for your transparency. First time I've read your work... it won't be the last.
blessings my sister.

[Tami Boesiger]

Mary,

Your words both sadden and scare me. To think you aren't safe in Christian circles is disheartening. Satan has long arms, doesn't he? I appreciate your courage and loving intent in sharing something so personal to make others aware and spare them some grief. Thank you.

[Nicole]

Brave, honest, savvy.

[Nichole Osborn]

Thank you so much Mary, for your honesty. I too am marked. I have taken your warnings to heart.

[Jeanette Hanscome]

Thank you for this post, Mary. I completely understand this! I so appreciate your honesty and wisdom.
Love you,
Jeanette

[Mary DeMuth]

Oh how I wish I were the only one with this mark. It aches me that there are so many.

[Bodicea]

All I can say is thank you, Mary. Thank you.

As the victim of my birth mother's brother, I too bear this mark. When I spoke with her about it years later, she said she knew he was doing such things. In fact, that he had done it to others in the family. I asked why she would expose her own child to such a person. Her answer was, "He's my brother." I shouted, "But I'm your child," She only repeated, "He's my brother."

Forgiveness comes not from others, not from those who knew and ignored, not from those who committed the offense, but from God. I am forgiven. It is now my job to forgive those who have trespassed against me.

[Mary DeMuth]

Bodicea, wow. I'm really sorry your mother didn't protect you from your uncle. That's simply terrible, and what she did was wrong. God calls us all to protect the least of these, and she chose not to.

I'm thankful you're continuing down the road of forgiveness.

Mary

[Poppy Smith]

You have beautifully turned over a rock that hides dark and hurtful events, but ones that need to be opened up to healing light. One other vulnerability "the mark" produces (which you touched on) is the hunger to be admired, appreciated, wanted. From your blog, it seems you found these needs graciously met in your spouse. For women without a spouse, or a non-emotional or verbally supportive spouse, the temptation to respond to a predatory male (or female) can be overwhelming--but for God! Poppy Smith, www.poppysmith.com

[Deanne Gordon]

Mary,
Since reading this I have been praying and asking God to show me what He wants others to know. While reading your entry I found many truths, but I was so saddened because He has taken my mark and wants to take other’s marks also.

I also was abused as a child. I was told by my abuser that no one would ever love me and that I was ruined forever. In other words "marked". When I told my parents about the abuse they immediately took me to our pastor who showed me how Christ took the "mark" my abuser had left and that I was now whole.

Christ came and died to remove ANY and EVERY mark left by sin. Sin you have committed AND sin you have been a victim of.
You know what others see when they look at me? Christ. Why? The mark I carry is HIS mark. The one Christ gives all who are His, and that is the mark all others see: predator or not.

I have lived for over 29 years knowing that God took the mark my abuser had left.
Does that mean that there aren’t predators out there? No. I have been able to recognize other’s preying tendencies, but it is not because I was marked, but because the predators are out there. They will attack anyone or anything, including the strong who have never been abused. Sometimes they succeed in “marking” others, and many times they don’t.
Victims will be victims in most situations until they allow Christ to make them victors.

I am reminded of the ones who are preyed on in the wild. They are usually the weak, injured or distracted ones. Once in Christ He teaches us how to be strengthened in every way and then it is our job to educate and protect those who are not yet strong enough.

My prayer is that the Lord will remove your mark and allow you to live in victory and be the healed person God has made you to be.

[Mary D]

Mary,
I too bear the "mark". I really understand when you said you were going along with life and then all of a sudden the "mark" reared its ugly head with a vengence. The same has happened with me about a year ago and I am in the middle of sorting through a lot of lies passed off as truth and horrible memories. Also the anger and grief of a childhood lost, and no one there to protect. I thank you for sharing your story so honestly. It truly has been a blessing to me and as you can see, so many others. Seeing what God has done in your life gives me a litte glimmer of hope that there really is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Thanks too for all the great advice in being cautious, wise and discerning; and the importance of seeking God above all.