“Hear what?”
Barry didn’t answer at first, but darkened his already blank expression while moving his jaw from side to side with great deliberation. “I think my hinge is busted.”
“Your hinge?”
“Yeah, listen.” He reversed the direction of his cocked chin. “My jaw pops whenever I move it like this.”
“Have you considered not doing that anymore?” He ignored me and persisted in contorting his face. “Okay, I give. I don’t hear it. But why do feel the need to keep moving your jaw like that?”
“To see why it’s popping, why else?”
“If it is popping, which I doubt, I’m guessing it’s in protest. Because I don’t think it’s supposed to move that way.”
“I think I have a bone disease," he said. "I’ll bet it’s cancer.”
“Put me down for brain damage.”
“There! Did you hear that? It was more of a click that time.”
“Could we change the subject? Cuz I can see your pulse beating in your ‘hinge’ and it’s creeping me out.”
“But did you hear it?”
“No, Barry.”
“Well, listen harder. You need to hear it.”
“Why? What difference does it make? If you say it hurts, I believe you.”
“Who said anything about pain? I never said it hurt, only that it’s making this weird creaking noise.”
“Maybe it’s haunted then. Maybe you have a haunted hinge.”
“You think this is funny?”
“Yeah, sort of.”
“Fine. That’s just fine. My bones are disintegrating in my face and you’re making jokes. If that’s how you’re going to be, you can just pack your stuff and go.”
“So you’re kicking me out again?”
“Looks that way, doesn’t it?”
“All because of your clicking jaw?” Barry angled the bottom half of his face so far to one side that it made my own jaw hurt. Then it did pop, loudly. “Okay. Alright. I did hear that.”
“Too late now. My feelings are already hurt.”
“Yikes. It was like you cracked a big knuckle in your face.”
Barry lined his teeth up again, then opened and closed his mouth several times in quick succession. When he cocked it to the side again, there was a short creak, followed by a small click, then another loud pop. I was about to make some wisecrack about my roommate turning his face into a percussion instrument when panic lit up in Barry’s eyes.
“I hink ih tuck.”
“What?” But then the audio caught up the visual and made the necessary translation.
“I HINK IH TUCK!”
“Should I call 9-1-1?”
“I HOLD OOH I HAA BONE-IH-ZEAZE!!!”
“Nah, I think you just snapped your hinge.” I had to look away to keep from grinning at the tears bubbling in Barry’s eyes.
“HAKE EE TO DA EEE RRRRRR!”
“Okay, cool. But first, do I still get to live here? And I get to keep the bigger room?
Barry nodded so hard, he spritzed me with tears.
"Can we take your car?"
He added moaning to his nodding.
Then I felt bad. On the way out I comforted him by adding, "At least it's not popping any more."
***
Michael Snyder writes. Sometimes he transcribes actual conversations he's had. Other times, not.
***
Reader’s Group Questions:
2. Is the narrator’s seeming indifference actually a subtle exhibition of tough love? Or is he just being a jerk?
3. Is the haunted hinge a metaphor? If so, explain. If not, explain that.
4. Sure, the narrator thinks this is funny. But do you?
5. Have you ever known a "Barry" before? What about the narrator? Which one did you like better? Why?
6. When tragedy does finally smite the jaw of Barry, how did it make you feel? Do you feel sympathy for Barry’s plight? Do you feel he got what he deserved? Do you feel like the author should have gone ahead and stretched the “jaw of an ass” thing into an obvious pun, or just left it alone for the reader to figure out on his or her own?
7. Is “spritzed” really a word?
8. Did the narrator actually feel remorse at the end? Or is this some sort of postmodern ploy to avoid having to do the difficult work of providing a conclusion that seems both inevitable and surprising? Or is it indeed brilliant in its subtlety, nuanced, advanced, and oh so satisfying?
9. Did the author actually hold his jaw wonky and say those words out loud so he'd know how to transcribe them?
10. Should writers of "Neurotica" be encouraged and/or allowed to include reader group questions at the end of their books?
"Ooooh oooh! I know this one! Pick me!"
Posted by: Jeanne Damoff | August 05, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Ask and you shall receive, Ms. Damoff...
9. Maybe. (read: yeah)
10. That's not really for me to decide, now is it?
Mike
Posted by: Michael Snyder | August 05, 2009 at 08:19 PM
What others are saying...
"To me the conversation seems normal. It's a great way to show subtle character traits in a funny way. I got that Barry was fairly melodramatic and maybe a bit of a control queen, and the other character displayed obvious insecurity, unsureness. Barry could exert power over the other character easily by being a little dramatic. The other character's need for assurance sets stage for a great conflict dynamic."
W.A., a reader in TN
Posted by: Michael Snyder | August 05, 2009 at 08:20 PM
1. Probably, but not necessarily to the reader or the narrator.
2. The narrator is probably thinking the guy's looking for attention and/or has TMJ syndrome, as I thought.
3. Not that I can tell. I thought it was humorous banter myself.
4. This whole scene had me laughing--and crying from laughing so hard!
5. Yes on both accounts. I like the narrator better due to the fact that he's not going off the deep end where the jaw popping is concerned, and is making wise cracks about it. If something hurts or sounds weird, why keep doing it? I'm with the narrator on that one.
6. I think I snorted. It sounded like something my hubby would do. I didn't really feel anything besides that. Nope, no real sympathy either. He should have quit when he was ahead. Leaving it alone was probably a good thing.
7. Absolutely.
8. No, no, and yes.
9. Who knows with this writer. ;-)
10. Yes!!!
Posted by: Liberty Speidel | August 05, 2009 at 08:32 PM
First thought: Uh, nice pic.
Second thought: My jaw makes that poppy sound. Uh-oh...
Third thought: Way too funny.
Posted by: K.M. Weiland | August 05, 2009 at 10:47 PM
So that's the last time I'll post questions at the end of my posts...
VERY funny.
Posted by: BJ Hamrick | August 06, 2009 at 02:14 AM
1. Actually, at first it's a pop, then a creak, and then a click. And then a trio.
2. Who says the narrator is a he? Sexist.
3. A haunted hinge is just a stock sound effect, nothing to get excited about.
4. I am the narrator.
5. Yes, Barry Manilow. And practically every book ever written (and a lot of bad TV shows) have narrators. And in a moment of improbable weakness, I think I'll have to side with Barry Manilow on this one.
6. Science actually has shown that the same part of the brain that would activate were my jaw actually smitten with tragedy also activates when reading, hearing, seeing, thinking about, or writing a story about a jaw which tragedy smote. So it made me feel like my jaw, smited by tragedy, was in pain. That makes "jaw of an ass" into a personal insult, so I'm glad the author kept it to himself until now. Now I just want to punch him in the groin.
7. I don't know, is it?
8. Lame.
Posted by: Andy | August 06, 2009 at 05:44 AM
1. The question of the popping jaw is a medical fact. It stands alongside of the other great jaw noises such as grinding, sawing and the occasional bird twitter.
2. Alas, it would have taken such little time to bring joy to the jaw clicker's life. The entire scene is a metaphor of man's inhumanity to man.
3. Look, I've already used the 'm' word in number 2. Metaphor...inhumanity to man...met-a-phor. I ALREADY SAID IT!
4. The only people who find this funny are the sort who laugh at car wrecks.
5. See, I've been Barry before...(sniffle) My parents never went to my softball games, my mom had to tie a steak around my neck to get the dog to play with me...hold on...I need a minute...
6. I still need a minute...
7. Yes, sprtized is a word...doi.
8. No. Maybe. You've got to be kidding.
Posted by: M.L Archer | August 06, 2009 at 06:38 AM
My question: Which is funnier "haunted hinge" or "neurotica"?
Posted by: susan fish | August 06, 2009 at 07:03 AM
I think the real question here is: Was this one of the author's "real" conversations? Because I can see it, you know? As being real, I mean. You know, with the type of friends . . . never mind.
Posted by: Nicole | August 06, 2009 at 08:23 AM
You make me smile, Michael Snyder! Thank you!
Posted by: Miz Melly | August 06, 2009 at 12:35 PM
Thanks for the great comments one and all...I can't wait to actually sit down and actually "study" them. However, I must first tend to my own nether hinges, as we've just finished an 11-hour drive from Orlando.
To be continued...
Mike
Posted by: Michael Snyder | August 06, 2009 at 03:20 PM
"Nether hinges"? I do NOT want to know.
Posted by: Jeanne Damoff | August 06, 2009 at 08:53 PM
Bravo y'all. I would be standing and clapping if it weren't for this darned migraine...
and yes, it hurts all the way into my jaw!
Posted by: Madison Richards | August 07, 2009 at 05:34 AM