The baggage I'll write about today isn't that negative psychological baggage we all carry with us: regrets, guilt, shame, and the like. I'm referring to the things we actually need to lug with us if we are to succeed on this publishing journey. So, pack your bags, writers, and don't forget to strap on some humor as you do.
The Ten Pieces of Baggage Every Writer Needs:
- Chocolate. Preferably dark. I keep mine in the lower right hand drawer of my desk. The current picking? Trader Joe's dark chocolate goodness. Keeps my mind clear. Makes me smile even after reading my "royalty" statements (which feel more like pauper statements!).
- Grit-spitting tenacity. The kind a cowboy would have after wrestling cows, wrangling snakes, and eating Hormel chili over an open, smoky fire. You have to come at this business like a spider monkey (wearing chaps, to keep the cowboy metaphor alive). When rejection slaps you upside the face, you gotta prepare for more rodeo, more bucking, more angry bulls. The trick to cowboy grit? Keep getting back in the saddle. Every day. Write those words as your act of defiance! Each word written is like a notch in your belt.
- Another hobby just as successful as writing: Hummingbird training. With hummingbird training, you experience the same sort of whiplash, the same frenetic activity. The same flying feathers. Succeed at Hummingbird training (particularly two birds performing a synchronized dance) and you'll succeed at writing. Besides, you may need to fall back on it in your later years.
- Cheerleaders. I don't mean this metaphorically. Actual high school cheerleaders clad in orange and purple, your name blazed like an alma mater across their fronts. Have at least five show up at your desk every day to say this cheer: "A-W-E-S-O-M-E, Awesome, are Thee!" (Mixing a cheer with King James English will accomplish two things: The Shakespearean rhythm will inform your prose, and the cheering will lighten your rejected spirit.)
- Stickers. Steal these from your kids' teachers in a clandestine overthrow of the sticker drawer. Stickers like 100% A+, or "Great Job!" or "You're a great kid" (which you are!). Print off your latest piece, the one you think is drivel personified, and adhere one of these babies on it. Suddenly, you're terrific! Wonderful! Unbelievably talented!
- A dog, not a cat. A dog will lay (oh shoot, or is it lie?) by your feet as you compose deeply significant words that will impact the planet. When you're drained, feeling blue, old Rover will roll over, loll his eyes your way, and slobber a smile. Such unconditional love is hard to find in this business, so securing a dog is essential. A cat, however, doesn't shower you with fuzzy love. She types gibberish on your keyboard when you're not looking and spills tea on your computer. If you can't afford a dog, buy a hamster in a habitrail. His constant spinning on that "wheel of life" will be the impetus you need to keep going. Make it a point to write when he wheels, and you'll be guaranteed to be prolific.
- A snuggie.Everyone needs one, but writers especially do. Because our income doesn't bring in enough to pay our heat bills! And of course, our hands and can't be bothered or inconvenienced by a mere blanket that wrestles our fingers into blind submission.
- And for that matter, a Huggie. Not the diapering kind, the real embracing hug from a fellow author who understands your plight. You receive and impart these "huggies" at conferences, where other writers parade around in designer snuggies.
- A New Christmas List. To maintain proper sanity, every author needs to update his/her Christmas list with certain items emphatically CROSSED OUT. No more JOURNALS! We have thousands of them. No more PENS! Or PLAQUES with catchy slogans about writing being like opening up a vein (ew). Replace said list with: A MAC COMPUTER (Sorry PC fans). A TRIP TO A REMOTE SPA ISLAND. THE GENES OF J.K. ROWLING. And a JET SKI.
- A weird disguise. Preferably a toupe, some ugly thick glasses, a mustache, and a hood. Why? To shield you from all that paparazzi when you become famously famous, bigger than Hannah Montana when she breaks up or adds a boyfriend. And while you're at it, add some Peeps. Not an entourage that follows you around and tells you how cool you are (that's what your family is for, right?) But actual marshmallow peeps. They will cheer you on when your fame fades and no one thinks you're the it girl/guy. A peep is eternal. Just look at the shelf life.
So, there you have it. A writer's necessary baggage. I'd love to know if I've possibly missed anything. If I have, please enlighten me in the comments section. I will say that Night Vision Goggles did vie for the number ten spot. So you can't say those.
Mary,
Thanks for sharing. For those writers who choose dark chocolate, feel free to send your excess milk chocolate to me--address furnished on request--since that's my energizer of choice.
Posted by: Richard Mabry | September 01, 2009 at 07:26 AM
Wow. I'm lacking the majority of these items. No wonder I don't already have thirty-seven best-selling books on the market. Can't wait to e-mail my agent and share my new priority list. (I love to make her day!)
That Snuggie commercial was inspirational. What they don't show you, however, is the short person (aka me) trying to walk in the one-size-fits-all-including-Andre-the-giant Snuggie, tripping over it, breaking her wrists and being unable to type for six months. This is why I fight the chill with heavy sweat shirts, hand-knitted wool booties I bought in Croatia, and gloves with the fingers cut out. I realize the absence of a Snuggie vibe may spell doom to my potential career as a best-selling author, but at least I'll still be able to play piano for tips.
Appreciate the advice, Mary. I will always consider you a benefactress, and I'm sure my agent will, too.
Love, Jeanne
Posted by: Jeanne Damoff | September 01, 2009 at 07:31 AM
Actually, I'll compete with Richard for the excess milk chocolate. Heck, I'll even take white chocolate! But since his book is coming out soon, I no doubt have lost already since with two self-pubbed novels: I'm NOBODY.
Don't forget the garish writer's bag, Mary. One that looks like it's crocodile skin or is that alligator? Big, fashionable. One that communicates success and significance. A man bag for those males.
Posted by: Nicole | September 01, 2009 at 07:48 AM
Thanks for the laughs and a few tears. Living in such a remote location I am going through Trader Joe's withdrawal and M&Ms just don't compare. Got the tenacity, but it is pretty useless with all my writing hidden on the hard-drive. Hobbies got replaced with writer's conferences. My darling "laptop" companion had to be put down on New Year's eve and I hate the thought of house breaking a new darling. Never heard of a Snuggie, but I love huggies! I remember lingering in musky shops, seeking the perfect journal; fingers caressing covers and pages until they found treasure...no more...now it's just grab one from the shelf! Laptop could be a good canvas for a sticker collage. On second thought, heat and stickers...not so good.
My addition...a Craftmatic bed that instantly sits you up when awakened at 3 a.m. with that nagging voice in your head. Attached would be a remote that rolls the little hospital style table into position, laptop already in place!
Posted by: Elizabeth Bussey | September 01, 2009 at 07:58 AM
I have the chocolate (though not Trader Joe's) and the dog at my feet. Must work on all the other baggage...
Suzmurphy07
Posted by: Susan Murphy | September 01, 2009 at 08:08 AM
Wonderful list! Thanks for making my day, Mary.
I especially love the hummingbird training and the TJ's dark chocolate. Did you buy the huge 5 lb. bar?
Jen,
http://jeanettelevellie.blogspot.com
Posted by: Jeanette L | September 01, 2009 at 09:55 AM
Peeps have eternal shelf-life? scarey...
Posted by: Kim | September 01, 2009 at 09:55 AM
Hah! I'm already bigger than Hannah Montana. I'll bet I've got her by 40 pounds or more.
Dark chocolate rules, as do dogs and Macs.
Funny and inspiring stuff, Mary.
Mike
Posted by: Michael Snyder | September 01, 2009 at 10:00 AM
Great! :) I enjoyed it.
Posted by: Toni | September 01, 2009 at 10:07 AM
Here's a big gold star for your post today! Thanks for the smiles. I decided to head for the nearest Build-a-Bear workshop next chance I get for a cuddly cheerleader bear that will say 'That is BRILLIANT' whenever I press her paw.
Posted by: Susan Stitch | September 01, 2009 at 10:28 AM
Mary, I like your list, especially the dark chocolate.
I do have one addition. I would add a Scammer Alarm. Like a smoke alarm, at the first sign of a scammer wafting your way to take your money and leave you discouraged, this alarm would yell out, "RUN! RUN! Weasel on the way!" After all, we spend so much time in our own worlds, we sometimes fail to properly connect with this one.
Posted by: Lynnda - Passionate for the Glory of God | September 01, 2009 at 10:34 AM
Mike, you made my day.
Jeanne, the picture of you running in a snuggie made me laugh.
Posted by: Mary DeMuth | September 01, 2009 at 11:02 AM
Beautiful. I have nothing to add. Except a Taylor guitar and an episode of Gilmore Girls. But that's just me... :)
Grace,
Madison
Posted by: Madison Richards | September 01, 2009 at 12:03 PM
Oh thanks Mary. That was fun. Can I keep my son in the back room playing guitar instead of sending him off to college too.
Posted by: Sheila Deeth | September 01, 2009 at 04:59 PM
The new Christmas list made me laugh! If I open one more journal...
Posted by: BJ Hamrick | September 01, 2009 at 05:56 PM
Actually, peeps need to be sealed in their little celophane wrappers to maintain that shelf life. I gave some to my daughter that we'd stuck in a cupboard and forgotten for a few months. She dropped one, and it shattered.
Posted by: Therese | September 02, 2009 at 07:51 AM
I'll heartily concur on all of these - esp. the chocolate! I have a snuggie lying around here somewhere. I usually use it for snuggling up on the couch while watching movies. But I may have to try it for those cold winter nights of writing!
Posted by: K.M. Weiland | September 02, 2009 at 01:45 PM
Okay, this is weird. Last night I had a dream about Peeps. I can't remember the whole thing, but it had something to do with reading style manuals, hanging upside down while sitting on the top of a desk. Instead of reading the style manual, a friend was reading the ingredients list on a box of Peeps.
And I've always wondered about walking in a Snuggie, especially since it's one-size-fits-all. Now I know.
Linda
Posted by: Linda Harris | September 02, 2009 at 04:19 PM
Wow, Linda that is weird.
K.M., you have a Snuggie? Wow!
Sad about the shattering peeps, Therese. It's a great band name, though.
Posted by: Mary DeMuth | September 02, 2009 at 06:16 PM
I love your list! :-) Love the chocolate part, of course! And the pet one. :-)
Posted by: Tina | September 03, 2009 at 02:53 PM
I think every writer should also have a copy of the book written by the fictional Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley called "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!: Daily Affirmations With Stuart Smalley". You should put it on your Christmas list. Excellent post! :)
Posted by: Lori Stanley Roeleveld | September 05, 2009 at 09:01 AM