‘What’s
up?’ He had the tone of an indulgent father. It was the one he used for our
daughter when she got herself in a tizz. For a split second, I had a moment of
clarity where I realised where she got her tantrums from.
‘I’m
so tired of being pregnant!’ I wailed, dripping mascara down his white
teeshirt. I was tired of feeling heavy and cumbersome, of the constant running
to the loo, the restless legs, the heartburn, the not being able to paint my
toenails. ‘And I’ve got three weeks to go till my due date. THREE WEEKS!’
It was pure self indulgent, drama queen
hysterics, the kind only a seasoned actress can pull off, but the tears brought
with them some release and cleansing and once the storm had passed, I felt
calmer and saner than I had all week.
Don’t get me wrong, this has been a very
straightforward pregnancy with no real complications. But I’m that little bit
older, I’ve been working and looking after a toddler so it’s only to be
expected that it was going to take a bigger toll on me physically. I’m no
athlete either and while my general level of fitness is quite good, I’ve kicked
myself more than once that I wasn’t in better shape before getting pregnant a
second time.
They say the darkest hour is before the
dawn. I’ve seen quite a few sunrises this summer, what with the way my baby is
using my bladder as a trampoline and getting me up every hour of the night, and
it’s true that there is an eery pitch to the sky just before the sun is born
again. It’s the moment of transition when the end of the dark night is in sight
and it feels very dark.
It can be the same with the final week of
rehearsals or the last draft of a piece of writing; it feels like it is taking
forever and the tension of waiting for the opening night or publication date is
at fever pitch.
This week I took my daughter to check out a
nearby nursery that we are considering enrolling her for in the autumn. She ran
in and played with the toys, impressed the teacher with her articulate speech
and recited nursery rhymes and I paused to consider where the last two and a
half years had gone. I was once in that darkest hour of waiting for her birth
and here she is in all her two year old glory, singing Baa Baa Black Sheep and
making her opinions known at every available opportunity.
Henri Nouwen once wrote;
‘Wherever
I am, at home, in a hotel, in a train, plane or airport, I would not feel
irritated, restless, and desirous of being somewhere else or doing something
else. I would know that here and now is what counts and is important because it
is God himself who wants me at this time and place.’
So if you’re in that darkest moment with a
piece of writing, and are impatient for the end to come, know that I stand with
you and pray that God will give us both the grace to live fully in this time
and place.
Melanie Clark Pullen is an actress and
writer living in Ireland and is impatiently awaiting the birth of her second
child.
Needed to hear this today.
Posted by: Bethany Smith | July 30, 2010 at 06:21 AM
Like Bethany, I needed this today. Someday I may say why. Or I may not. But know that you encouraged me.
Posted by: Heather | July 30, 2010 at 07:30 AM
Beautiful truth, beautifully told. Love this, Melanie -- not that you had a meltdown, but what God taught you (or reminded you) through it. I think I need to memorize that Nouwen quote.
Much love to you and your sweet growing family.
Jeanne
Posted by: Jeanne Damoff | July 30, 2010 at 07:42 AM
Yes. Yes in so many ways.
Posted by: Nicole | July 30, 2010 at 11:26 AM
Melanie you are a beautiful artist. Thank you xnx
Posted by: Noni Stapleton | August 01, 2010 at 03:50 AM